Sometimes I wish I still had cancer

I’m going to keep it fairly vague because I don’t feel ready to tell my friends and family this, but it’s as the title says. Sometimes I wish I still had cancer.

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed with a rare type of brain cancer. The treatment itself wasn’t too bad, but it took nearly a year to get the right diagnosis so I spent that time being treated for miscellaneous diseases I didn’t have. I got the all clear after I finished treatment and moved on with my life, feeling pretty safe and secure. As I was approaching the 5 year mark (the point generally regarded as the “you’re out of the woods now” mark), a routine scan found that the tumor had returned, but had metastasized to my spine. I went through heavy dose chemo, with a stem cell transplant and a long in-patient stay. Although I’m technically in remission now, and have been so for 5 years, I’ve never stopped looking over my shoulder, and even find myself wishing I still had cancer.

I know it sounds horrible, I’m incredibly grateful to my team of doctors and nurses, but such a huge portion of my life has been spent in the hospital that in some ways, being sick just seems easier than regular life. I know how to go sit in a chair and be poked with needles and pumped full of poison. I still struggle with things like getting out of bed and going into work. I don’t know, I guess it just seems like normal life isn’t normal in some ways.